july third

My dog died at 10:20pm yesterday.

I feel awful for crying about this. Guilty is actually more accurate. I have gone years without crying. From Summer 2009 to Spring 2011 I cant recall crying once.

I cried over the loss of a relationship and then once more over the humiliation of Lukas.

Between these times multiple family members died and I lost a cat.

Usually I only allow myself to cry if I have ran long enough and hard enough to be in physical pain. I could tell you I didn't run this time because I have matured past the stage of self mutilation. But I haven't and doubt I will. The real reason is that Blu wouldn't approve.

I cared for that dog more than I will care for a majority of the people I am doomed to encounter.

This ordeal has just conditioned me to loathe people more.

june first

social:

hate everyone. (except the following list)

this is a list of people I truly enjoy being around:

- justin kang

- my cat

- will hardwich

- hayden freshour

- erin norris

- tatum dobbins

physical:

stress vomiting.

mental:

cold.

you picked her.

Why I can’t stop thinking about you. We’re clearly at different parts of our lives and with different priorities. But the optimist in me just can’t forget about those nights we curled up on your couch, played scrabble, and watched old black-and-white movies. Those several hours in your living room meant more to me than any crazy night out. Still completely confused by everything, but I really hope you do find happiness. The selfish part of me wants it to be with me…

it wasn’t.